101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)

Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
	grad students extrordiannaire.

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
	Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4) Interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
	concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
	from sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of
	minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a
	Jew walked into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell".
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
62) Rimshot.
63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag - you're it!"
67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that 
	it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
	original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
	(Made-up non-existent room number)"
69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me 
	Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table.
73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the 
	spectators.
75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
	pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
79) Tap dance.
80) Vaudeville.
81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.
	You're out."
82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
83) Dress in top hat and tails.
84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and
	a bonfire.
85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
86) Shadow puppets.
87) Show slides of your last vacation.
88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in
	charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room
	making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
93) Instant replay.
94) Laugh maniacally.
95) Talk with your mouth full.
96) Start speaking in tongues.
97) Explode.
98) Implode.
99) Spontaneously combust.
100) Answer every question with a question.
101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.

gopher@picard.cs.wisc.edu (Chris Bovitz)

Make that 129:


102) Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol.
103) Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did.
104) Mention your professor as "my helper."
105) Say that you'd like to thank a few people.  Pull out the White Pages.
         Start reading.
106) Advertise it as "pot luck".
107) Talk in Klingonese.
108) Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek."
109) Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle
         when they don't.
110) Wear a trenchcoat.  And nothing else.
111) Dress in a Wild West style.
112) Go dressed in scuba gear.  Use the oxygen tank.
113) Preface with the story of your life.
114) Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex:  man - wear a bikini, woman -
         wear trunks.
115) Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk.  The bigger, the better.
         Have a questioner thrown out "as an example."
116) Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it.  Jump out and begin.
117) Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, and kill yourself offstage when
         you're done.
118) Half way through, break down.  Go to your professor, curl up on his or her         lap and call him or her "Mommy".  Suck your thumb.
119) Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome.
120) Suddenly develop the China Syndrome.
121) "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite
         corporation)..."
122) Secede from the U.S.  Give yourself political asylum.
123) Talk in Canadianese - add "eh" after every sentence.
124) When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin
         over the final answer.
125) Videotape it ahead of time, and get someone set it up to show.  Come in
         the back and sit there.  When your tape is done, ask for questions.
126) Have every person pick a CB handle.  Enforce their usage.  Talk in
         CB lingo.  End every statement with "good buddy."  End every question
         with "over."
127) Provide party favors.  Noisy ones.
128) Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty.
129) Mention that you have to hurry because TV show xxx is on in 15 minutes.